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Sept. 1, 2002

Speaking of Lube
By Simon Sheppard
Courtesy PlanetOut.com Network

In the beginning, there was spit. And then God created Vaseline, and it was messy and hell to clean up, but it sure stayed slick.

But with the advent of HIV, smart condom-users started searching for lubes that wouldn't break down latex, as oils and greases do. Over-the-counter water-based lubricants like KY Jelly were kind of icky for long-term use, becoming sticky during extended sex. So, with all-American ingenuity, manufacturers came up with sex-specific formulas. (Even KY has a specially-for-sex version now.) The major ingredient in these water-based lubes is, indeed, good old H20, usually with a dollop of glycerine to retain moisture. Water being water, though, and sex being hot, evaporation is inevitable, the biggest downside of water-based lubes.

Lube-feel varies from brand to brand. Often, the label gives a clue: words like "thick" and "gel" denote goopiness that's good for keeping anal sex slippery, while "silky" and "light" are more watery, less gooey. It's really a matter of personal preference, though heavier lubes tend to stay put better and be less stringy. Often, sex shops have sampler bottles, or sell single-use packets, a great way to find out how Astroglide differs from Probe.

There's a detergent-based substance, nonoxynol-9, that kills HIV in the test tube. Manufacturers started adding it to lubes as extra protection, figuring it would kill virus if a condom broke. Subsequent studies, though, show it's liable to irritate the delicate anal lining, making it more prone to infection and thereby doing more harm than good. And it tastes really lousy. Take a pass. (Likewise, parabens, used as preservatives in some brands, causes allergic reactions in some sensitive people; when in doubt, apply to the inner elbow and wait to see if a rash develops.)

When using latex, lube should always be water-based, not oil-based and not just "water-soluble." There's also another sort of rubber-friendly lube, one that uses silicone rather than water. A drop goes farther, and stays slipperier longer; one enthusiast says it "changed his life." There are a couple of downsides, though: it's expensive, and shouldn't be used with those spiffy silicone sex toys.

For sex play other than condomized anal sex, other sorts of lube still are great. Many a lad learned self-abuse with the assistance of skin lotion, and Albolene Moisturizing Cleanser has a justifiably mythic reputation amongst chronic masturbators. For more advanced anal play -- dildoes, hands, and the like -- Crisco has long been the goo of choice, and for sheer long-lasting lubrication, it has few peers. But it's even messier than Vaseline. Washing it off is difficult, it's tough to clean up greasy sex toys, and shortening weakens latex gloves. It should never be used in conjunction with condomized sex. Besides, it makes the whole room smell like raw pie crust.

A few years ago, some perverts discovered a polymer-based lube designed for veterinary use. It comes in a powder, and gets mixed with water to the desired consistency. For those particularly exotic penetrations, its long-lasting slipperiness is a distinct plus. It's a little tough to buy, though, and cleaning lube-spattered surfaces requires extra effort; scrubbing with salt helps.

Most commercially produced sex lubes come in a pump bottle, perfect for preventing contamination as long as less-than-sterile hands don't make direct contact with the nozzle. And be sure to keep that pump bottle handy -- even if things are good and slick when Mr. Tool goes in, additional applications as the fun proceeds will keep things comfy and safe. A sprinkle of water or, in a pinch, a gob of spit, will also resurrect dried-out water-based lube.

So, class, we can see that since the primeval days of spit, the evolution of lubrication has gone far to make willies slicker, and the old in-and-out a joy forever. And for that, let us now give thanks.

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